##[Radio. Big Band]
[Exhales Deeply] Bored.
So bored.
So bored, it's boring.
Boring-a-ding-ding.
Boronus, boreetus, boreemus.
I came, I saw, I bored.
- Bored, she bored, they bored. - All aboard.
- I was gonna say that. - Sure.
- [Hawkeye] Hello. Hello. - What? What?
- Company. - New nurses?
Or loaners. Maybe the old ones are going into the shop.
This is the 4077 th.
Yeah?
Don't tell me. Don't even think it.
- What's wrong? - There are five MASH units in Korea...
three evac hospitals, I don't know how many aid stations...
clearing stations, hospital ships, whatever...
- and she had to land here. - Which one?
The blonde on the right.
Very attractive.
Completely forgettable looks...
that stay with you forever.
- Sounds like we're getting into flashback country. - [Chattering]
[Laughs] You gotta be kidding?
- What's that? - You just hid.
- Who hid? - You did, hid.
I haven't hidden since I was three.
Sometimes I'm sorry they ever found me.
You wanna talk?
We were involved for a time...
during my "regical surg..." my, uh, surgical, uh, residency in, uh, Boston.
- Uh-huh. - Wonderful girl.
Good kid.
You always react like this to good kids?
We were close. Pretty close.
If I didn't see her every hour, I got the bends.
What happened?
- Nothing happened. - You saw a lot of each other.
Couldn't help it. We were living together.
- The plot thickens. - Not long, a year, a year and a half.
Not long.
We had a small flat. Painted it ourselves.
My hands were Hunter Green for a week.
Told everybody I was a tree surgeon.
It, uh, busted up sort of.
- You left her. - The minute after she left me.
What's her name?
- Her name? - I know you were young, but you must've had names.
- Carlye. - Carlye? Unusual.
Carlye Breslin.
Altogether unusual.
I don't... I don't mind her being here.
No, I don't think I really mind at all.
Is that why you're reading Frank's diary?
I mean, she can't help being sent wherever those idiots send her.
It's just that of all the people to jump out of a Jeep in southwest Korea...
why the hell does it have to be her?
I think I'll check this out.
Find out how long she's staying, you know?
Maybe she's not even staying.
- Maybe it's not even her. - Maybe you're not even you.
Right.
It's me. It's her.
It's us.
- Radar, you busy? - Uh, Major Burns says to fix the lights in surgery.
Right. He's afraid to sleep in the dark.
Look at that. Talent. I'm not just a pretty face, right?
Especially since you started parting the hair on your legs in the middle.
Radar, two new nurses just turned up in the compound.
Sears Roebuck must have got my order.
Are they assigned here or are they passing through?
- They're all ours... brand-new nurses. - Be happy to check 'em out, sir.
Make sure they're assembled correctly, no missing parts.
There's a Walton, Carlye and an Anderson, Becky.
- Carlye Walton? - You know her?
- Not by that name. - Well, maybe it's a married one.
Says here married.
- What, was she not before? - Lots of women are married.
My wife is married. Somehow that makes her more exciting.
- You're weird. - See you.
I didn't mean you.
"The national color for Korean men's clothing is white.
"In some localities, unmarried men wear their hair down.
- Married men wear a topknot." A topknot. - Yeah.
[Giggles]
"The women wear full skirts, which hang from the waist and almost sweep the ground,
and short jackets revealing their breasts."
- Well, that must flip a few topknots. Read on, - [Laughs]
"A Korean house with bits of charcoal and pine twigs...
hung on a straw line outside...
signifies that a baby girl has been born.
And no one is allowed to enter for three weeks."
Oh, Korean baby girls take an incredibly long time to make up.
[Laughs] Must be.
- [Knocking] - [B.J.] Anybody home?
- [Hawkeye] Men are here with your welcome. - Oh, come in.
- How do? - We greet you on behalf of the men, women and deviants of the 4077th.
[Laughs] I'm Becky Anderson.
- Carlye Walton. - This is Captain B. J. Hunnicutt.
- What does "B. J." stand for? - Practically anything.
- This is Captain Hawkeye Pierce. - "Hawkeye"?
That's from The Last of the Mohicans, isn't it?
- Give the little lady a cigar. - Cigar. We have...
anything you might conceivably want to smoke...
cigar, pipe, ham.
- Oh, gee. Thanks. - Think nothing of it.
My partner and I come with extra table leaves just so we can...
[Carlye, Hawkeye] ...extend ourselves for you.
Tell our first couple what else they've won, Fenneman.
This bar of soap... from those who'll be working closely with you in O.R.
- Please use at least once a week. - Shampoo...
Because we couldn't find anything real poo.
- To be taken only internally. - Thank you.
[B.J.] And last, but certainly most...
Five hundred sheets of the famous 4077 stationery.
Very handy for writing your lawyer.
It's obvious you've struck an officer or embezzled the company's funds or ravaged a corpsman.
Only creeps get sent to a MASH.
That's the end of our goodies. If there's anything we can do to make your sentence bearable...
We're right across the road. Tent's called "The Swamp." Stop in for a drink after chow.
- Oh, thank you. - Dinner here's around 7:00.
Nausea is around 8:00.
[Chuckling]
- I love him. - Which one?
I don't care.
- [Knocking] - Come.
- Lieutenant. - Well.
- It is a swamp. - We did it without a decorator.
- A little Hunter Green wouldn't hurt. - Sorry, all out.
- Mm. - I promised you a drink.
Yes. Uh, You were right about the food here.
Yeah, I'll never understand how the cook get off at Nuremberg.
- You have your choice, gin or gin. - I'll leave it up to you.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
To old friends.
Old friends.
- [Gulps] It's pure poison. - We think so.
- Oh, how are you, Hawkeye? Are you well? - How do I look?
A little thinner. A little paler. A few gray hairs.
These aren't mine. I'm breaking in a friend's senility.
[Chuckles]
Has it been rough for you over here?
It's mostly kids you work on...
as if they machine-gunned a high school class.
- You all right? - Yeah. Fine.
How do you stand on the subject of sitting?
- So... - I was gonna say that.
[Both Chuckle]
- Tell me about Mr. Walton? - Lieutenant Walton.
- Oh, military type? - Yeah, naval officer.
Are you saying he's a lad in blue or an obstetrician?
He's patrolling off the coast in a destroyer.
Probably has the glass on us right now.
- Regular navy? - No, he'll go back to advertising.
- Ah, advertising. - Is that white smoke coming out of your ears...
mean you've just elected yourself pope?
- Any children? - No, not yet. We're still talking about that.
That's not how you get 'em. I just read a paper on that.
- How about you? - Children? No. I'm still my only child.
- No one has gotten you to wear a topknot? - Huh?
- Is there a Mrs. Benjamin Franklin Pierce? - My ring finger is clean.
I remain unbetrothed, my bachelorhood intact...
a solitary figure seemingly sentenced to single-ness.
You're trying too hard.
- Are you uncomfortable? - I'll stop pressing.
Oh, may I have some more of this horrible stuff?
Obviously, you don't know a good antifreeze when you drink it.
I've thought about you, wondered how you were.
- What happened after you left? - Well, mostly I got married.
But not to me.
When was the first, last or anytime in between that you ever asked me?
Carlye, I was in residency. If I'd had two tails, I'd have worked them both off.
That was the greatest medical learning experience...
outside this non-stop butcher shop I could have.
- I couldn't get married then. - Then or ever.
I was struggling, broke, remember?
- I used to fight the cat for scraps. - Other men have done it.
What men? You mean your Lieutenant Topknot?
- Doug. - Doug. Right. Figures.
- Doug was struggling when we got married. - Struggling in advertising?
What would've been the loss...
one less huckster persuading America its breath is bad...
that they're condemned to purgatory if their armpits don't smell like roses?
- I was training for medicine! - If you had been less good at it...
you might have needed me a little more.
Doug is able to commit to something beyond his work.
Happily, I am that something.
There's been no one since you.
Faint copies at best.
I had to survive.
Right. Here's to survival.
Oh! Not if we keep drinking this.
[Sighs] It's gonna be difficult, isn't it... being in the same hospital?
Not at all. You're an excellent nurse. I'm a fantastic doctor.
We're here to work... just work.
- Can you do that? - Watch me.
Right.
- Good night, Hawkeye. - Good night.
Doug.
You've got to find yourself a hobby, Radar. Something creative.
Like Eisenhower and Churchill and me, we all paint.
There's my impersonation, sir.
- I'm workin' on a turtle. - A turtle?
Yes, sir.
Ku-shhh! A turtle.
That's the best turtle I ever saw.
And then there's Al Jolson.
I seen him entertainin' the troops down in Seoul.
[Clears Throat]
And now, folks, Jolie's gonna sing a little song for ya.
A song written by a dear friend of mine, Mr. Harry Warren...
on his honeymoon night in 1901.
A song of love and tenderness to his lovely wife, June.
On his honeymoon night, he wrote this song...
and it goes like this.
- You don't do him singing? - Uh, not yet, sir.
Then hold still.
- Lap sponge. - Lap sponge.
- One more. - Yes, sir.
Well, you work fast around here.
Casualties have a tendency to multiply during truce talks.
- Clamp. - Clamp.
- Hold it. - Suction?
- When I say. - Sorry.
There's a new word in your vocabulary. Now, the suction.
Shall I ask not to be assigned to you in the future?
It isn't a dinner party. You can't just rearrange the place cards. Clamp.
- You get me when you get me. - I'm just afraid of your voice giving me frostbite.
- There's no way we can avoid each other. - Small camp.
- Small war. - Have you thought of deserting?
There's a six-month waiting list.
You have to stand in line to go AWOL.
Pick-ups.
- [Sighs] Can we talk? - I'm trying.
Not here. Later. I know a little corner of Korea nobody ever uses.
- Is it formal? - Black tourniquet.
- Oh, fantastic. - I knew you'd like it.
Yes, it's very nice. Early terrible. [Laughs]
Not fair. You're insulting the place, and you've only been here five seconds.
Well, what's the record? What have the other nurses said?
I never bring nurses here, except in an emergency.
- Fortunately... - There's a constant state of emergency.
- Nah. - Oh, I like the way you've done the floor.
We have someone to come in once a week with fresh dirt.
Care for a bottle of khaki champagne?
My, there's a lot of drinking here, isn't there?
Well, if truth's the first casualty of war...
I guess sobriety is second.
- I bet Hannibal crossed the Alps on pink elephants. - [Laughs]
Here we are.
- A lovely Fort Dix '43. - A-ha.
- Here's to what? - To just being yourself.
I'm a little out of practice, but for you...
I was wrong, Carlye... about what I said at first.
Our first first or this first?
When I said that you and I could just work together... just work.
- That you were an excellent nurse... - I'm not an excellent nurse?
No, no, no. What l... What... Are you nuts?
You-You've got 24-karat fingers.
I don't see how I can behave like a normal human person around you...
unless l... unless I get rid of some of that...
that unpleasant baggage I've been carrying around for years.
My name is on that baggage?
I hated you for a long time.
Passionately.
Hate. The real thing.
If I'd met you during my celebrated blue period, I don't know what I'd have done.
- I know I hurt ya, Hawk. - Hurt?
You broke my legs.
It really tore me apart when you left me.
There was no reason for you to feel that way, you know.
- You let it happen. - Well, I still felt betrayed.
And mad as hell.
Finally. Finally, finally, finally...
I thought I'd gotten over it.
I got over the hate...
but I never got over the love.
When you came into camp that first day...
I heard this strange sound.
It was my heart beating again.
One look at you and it got a jump charge.
I can't just just work around you.
It can't be the way that it was, Hawk.
It could be better.
Ohh! Master complicator.
God forbid anything should ever be easy.
Give me a little side view, Klinger, more latissimus.
- Which part of me is that, sir? - Your back.
- Better? - Good.
You cold, Klinger? You look a little blue.
I always look blue, sir. It's my heavy beard.
- I started shaving when I was 12. - That happens.
My sister started when she was ten.
- How's it comin' there? - I'm gonna call this "Greek Athlete."
- Love to send my wife a copy. - Next time I'll put a carbon under the canvas.
- Thanks. - Hold still, please.
- Oh, I beg your pardon. - Come in, Father.
I'm just recreating. At ease, Klinger.
- What can I do you for? - Oh, I'd like your permission to return these, sir.
Quartermaster sent us a gross of new bibles...
and there seem to be quite a number of typographical errors.
- Oh? - Uh, here's the first one.
"Thou shalt commit adultery."
Well, that's the new army, Father.
Well, let's hope it's a typo.
These lads are trained to take orders.
- Send them back, Father. No sweat. - Thank you, sir.
Okay. About five minutes?
I'll be here. Oh, boy, will I be here. Thanks much.
Aha! Giving our position away to the Nazis, eh?
That explains the submarine in the compound.
Radar set me up with a ham operator in Alaska, who's got a friend in Seattle...
who's gonna radio San Francisco to a guy who's gonna hook me up with Peg.
- You could swim to her quicker. - Ah.
- File this under M.P., Medical Profile. - Or Military Police.
- Or Member of Parliament. - Or Married Person.
I haven't been home much the past few weeks.
Better, that way you miss me sobbing into my pillow.
- I think we're very happy. - I think you'd probably know.
- You disapprove. - Me?
You want disapproval, you disapprove. I'm not the ACME Judgment Company.
A lot of married people are unfaithful.
I read that in the Cheater's Almanac.
- You? Ever been... unfaithful? - Me what?
- To whom? - Well, who could you be unfaithful to?
- Myself, for openers. - No, no. Come on. You know what I mean, to your wife.
- Have I ever strayed? - Ever checked in somewhere without a toothbrush.
- Never. - Never been tempted?
- Tempted's another subject. - Ah, you have been tempted.
Never. But it's another subject.
- You rat. - [Telephone Ringing]
Hello! Hello! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah, I'll wait.
Uh, look, uh...
minding my own business is a full-time job.
In my spare time, it's my hobby.
I can't divide myself emotionally. I, uh...
I couldn't break my word to Peg.
And not because God'll send me to hell without an electric fan...
or because it's not the right thing to do.
- I simply don't want to. - You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.
I'm sure.
Peg? Peg, it's me!
- Hawkeye, I've been lookin' for you. - A little louder, darlin'.
- We've got half a world between us. - I just got it.
Perfect. I can hear you just great.
Is this any better?
- How are ya, darlin'? - Fine.
- [Knocking] - Come in.
- Oh, hi. - "Hi"?
I just found out you put in for a transfer.
"Hi"? You'd have to use a divining rod to find a "hi" in me.
Oh, Radar doesn't waste any time, does he?
Radar's my informer. He's my snitch, my friend, my helper.
- If he could fly. He'd be my falcon. - I was going to tell you.
- I wouldn't have just slipped away. - It's always worked before.
Oh, you're still working on last time?
Last time turns out to be a warm-up for this time.
- What are you telling, Potter? - The truth.
I can't stay here with you...
with me, the way we are again.
"Be yourself," you said!
Well, myself happens to love you. What can I do?
- I love you. - Oh, now, I understand!
Since we're in love, there's no possible reason for us to stay together.
The third casualty of war has to be fidelity.
- Third now and moving up fast. - I've always been honest with Doug.
- So don't stop! - He'll want a divorce.
- Then it'll be just you and me. - Oh, what does that mean?
What does that mean? That means we'll be together! We'll enjoy each other!
We'll revel in each other!
Oh. What is it really? Uh, I know. I see.
I know. I know. I know. Look. Look.
There was a time when I couldn't ask you because that...
But that was then, this is now! We're two different people.
I know I certainly am. I think I can handle it now.
Huh? Sure! Of course, I can.
Listen. Why shouldn't we? Why couldn't we?
- Let's just... Let's! - Hawkeye!
- What? - Lo-Look at yourself! Look where you are!
You're trapped! You just proposed yourself into a corner.
- So? How ever I did it, I did it. - You didn't propose to me!
- You proposed to yourself! - I wanted to try it out on me first.
- Did you hear yourself? - No, what did I miss?
If you'd gone into medicine with the same lack of conviction...
that you seem to have about marriage, you'd have been a mortician's delight.
What should I do, go down on one knee?
No, no, no, no.
The only convention I care about is the convention...
where two people can't live without each other.
Y-Your work is always going to be the most important single thing in your life.
That's fair! That's how it should be.
You're very gifted.
[Sighs] I just don't want to take a backseat again.
I like it up front.
- You're smart. - Mm.
Sometimes.
We don't have to say good-bye now. It's, uh...
- A transfer takes a week or so. - Well, I asked them to rush it.
Oh.
- Do me a favor, huh? - Yeah.
If anybody asks, I turned you down.
Right.
[B.J.] Come on. Come on. Come on. You're not thinking.
- I am. G.R., right? - "G.R.," right.
- An actor. - An actor.
- A living American actor. - Right.
- G.R., George Raft. - He's just a living American.
All right. All right. All right. All right. Uhh.
- Gene Raymond. - Nope.
- Uh. Gregory Ratoff. - Nope.
- Ya give? - Give.
Gerald Rassmussen.
- Who is Gerald Rassmussen? - He was my high school drama teacher.
Terrific actor.
- Who ever heard of him? - Everybody, if he hadn't died.
- You said living American. - If I'd said dead, you'd have guess Gerald just like that.
- You're mental. - Care to try again?
Later. Next month.
[Sighs] I love the way she drops into my life every few years...
- just to give me a little open heart surgery. - It's got to be rough.
I'll live.
In some ways, I don't mind that she's gone again.
It's just that she never altogether leaves.